


as always

by 66LHC



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentioned Huang Ren Jun, Mentioned Lee Jeno, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, im sry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:54:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21794323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/66LHC/pseuds/66LHC
Summary: let me sleep, i am tired of my grief.
Kudos: 26





	as always

**Author's Note:**

> hey,  
> pls read the tags first before reading this, and i hope everyone is fine, i love yall !! 
> 
> listened to the wisp sings by winter aid slowed down ver. while writing this!

„where were you yesterday?“, jeno tried to sound scolding, but he failed.

„didn’t want to go to school.“, hyuck just shrugged it off.

„as always, you lazy bitch.“, they both laughed.

_ yeah, as always.  _

_—_

** a day before **

donghyuck woke up at 7:56 am, he would be late for school, again. but today was different, he couldn’t do it anymore.

_ what’s the point? i have a ton of missing hours in school, my grades are bad, i hate the people there, so what’s the point? i need to end it now. _

he was frustrated, those thoughts weren’t new to donghyuck, they were always there, when he tried to sleep, when he woke up, they were always with him. he thought a lot about ending his life, his head was full of scenarios at how to do it or how his friends and family would react. 

but at some point it’s all too much, even for him. 

donghyuck got up and went straight to the kitchen, he opened the fridge and took some pills and a water bottle out of it. 

he wanted to go back to his bed but he suddenly heard steps behind him. 

„dad? what are you doing here?“

„i‘m off today? what about you, why aren’t you in school, son?“

„ah, i overslept but i‘m going now.“

„no phone for you tonight.“

hyuck just grumbled something and went back to his room.

_ i won’t need it anyways. _

donghyucks father wasn’t particularly a bad person, just wanted to have control over everything. and hyuck hated it. 

donghyuck started to get dressed and packed his bag, since he can’t stay home now, maybe he would just go to school. he put his jacket on and the pills he put in it felt heavy for some reason.

„can you drive me to school?“

„no, you have to working legs, just walk.“

_ fine. _

—

hyuck was sitting on a bench in some park near a church. he was freezing, it was raining heavily and it was really cold.

_ who cares. _

he texted renjun, his best friend, and asked if he wanted to come, cause hyuck wanted to see him.

** junnie <33 **

i really can’t skip school again :(( sryy

hyuck sighed.

** me **

it’s fine :)

it wasn’t fine, donghyuck really just wanted to see a familiar face, cause reality felt so far away right now. but there was nothing he could do, so he sat on that bench for 2 hours, listening to  the same song  on repeat, while he was thinking about life.

_ should i do it here? should i just take all this pills and end it here? _

he felt numb and empty. his head was aching and he couldn’t feel his hands anymore, because of the cold. 

everything was too much for him right now, so he got up and decided to go back home. 

he opened the door and the first thing he heard was someone singing in the kitchen, so he went to the kitchen.

„mom?“

„honey? you’re home already?“, she kissed his cheek, hyuck smiled.

„yeah, last period got cancelled. where is dad?“

„he had some things to do.“

_ thank god.  _

„ ok, i‘m going to my room.“

his mom just mumbled a ok.

so he went in his room and just laid in on his bed for a while, staring at the ceiling and thinking, after some time he felt asleep, dreaming about a better life, _as always._

when he woke up it was 9:37 pm, his parents would be already asleep cause they have to wake up early in the morning.

_ i should do it now.  _

he got the pills from his jacket and the water bottle from his bag. his hands were shaking as he sat down back on his bed. he just stared at the pills for some time. 

_ do it coward _ , he told himself.

he was anxious, what if it didn’t worked or what if it worked?

did really wanted to die? or was it not death what he craved but maybe life?

_ pathetic, i don’t even know what i want. _

he felt his phone vibrating besides him so he looked to the right and saw renjun calling. donghyuck groaned and picked up.

„hi hyuck!“

„what’s up?“

„nothing, just wanted to talk. are you ok?“

_ huh. _

„yeah, why wouldn’t i be ok?“

renjun laughed, „cause you didn’t come to school today, remember?“

„ah, no i’m fine, just wasn’t feeling it today, you know..“

„stop lying.“

renjun always knew when something was up and hyuck didn’t know if he liked that about him or not.

„i‘m not, have to go now, i‘ll see you tomorrow.“

„hyuck don‘t do that.“

„do what junnie? i‘m tired, i want to sleep.“

„ok.. but promise me to come tomorrow ok?“

„i promise, good night.“

„good night hyuckie..“

donghyuck hung up.

_ it’s better that way. i mean i didn’t lie, i am tired.  _

donghyuck opened the pillbox and put some on his hand. 

_ do it. do it. do it. do it. do it. do- _

he couldn’t, he put the pills back into the box and started sobbing. 

_ why can’t i just end it?! it would be so much easier.. i hate this. _

he laid back and cried himself to sleep. hyuck was always tired so it wasn’t that difficult for him to sleep again. 

— 

the other day he woke up and went to school as if nothing happened. 

„where were you yesterday?“, jeno tried to sound scolding, but he failed.

„didn’t want to go to school.“, hyuck just shrugged it off.

„as always, you lazy bitch.“, they both laughed.

_ yeah, as always. _


End file.
